If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
