If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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