Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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