I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
