happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
