he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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