I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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