it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
