tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
