Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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