Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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