I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It was confusing and full of hummus
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
