I think I died a long time ago.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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