He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
