he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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