Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
