i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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