Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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