Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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