I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
