she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
