How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why do cheetos always look like penises
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm always down for nudity.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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