he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
