Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
