Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
