I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
