Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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