Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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