Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
