I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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