i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
