phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
