Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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