dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
