i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
