Plan B is the new Plan A
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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