my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize