Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
