I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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