all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
