Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
