shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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