I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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