I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
