can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
