I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
