Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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