i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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