I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Are we still banned from the library?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize