I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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