He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
