we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
