you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
