dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
