Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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