Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
