Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
