forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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