My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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