i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
this is an emotional support booty call
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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